[He doesn't remember getting up out of his chair. One moment he's there, the next he's in front of her with his good hand going to grip her shoulder. Right now he knows he has to be calm for her. Panic won't do either of them any good.]
[But not even he can hide the quiet desperation lacing behind his stern words.]
Beast. I'm here. Y'can feel me, can't ya? I'm livin' and breathin', and ya can feel my heart beat! I'm alive, and so are you!
[She did, didn't she? She could see him, and feel him, and hear him- but then why? Snake wouldn't lie. She didn't even think Snake could lie, not really. And then that "Reaper"-
Beast didn't know what made sense anymore, didn't know what to believe. What her eyes told her or what someone she trusted did.
Or what Joker said.
But Beast shakes her head, hair whipping back and forth as she made to push him back, but instead only clutched the front of his shirt.]
That's why I don'-
[Squeezed her eyes shut, no longer keeping her voice down without realizing it.]
It feels like I'm goin' crazy-
[She'd been feeling like that since day one. But now?]
If we're alive then what did 'e mean?
["He" being... well. Could be either of them. Snake, or Ronald.]
[Now she shoved him, pushed him back angrily even as tears sprung up as hot, shameful pinpricks in the corner of her eyes.]
Yer dead but ye in't? Is Father dead? Did that Phantomhive earl do 'im in?
[She didn't care- if Father died... she realized now she didn't care. Reservations about the fate of their younger "siblings" at the workhouse kept her in line until she'd finally asked Joker to leave it all behind, but-
If Father was dead-
How did the Earl know, anyway? In her mind, Smile and Ciel Phantomhive were not yet one and the same.]
[It's louder than he means to make it, and he immediately flinches before taking a step back so he can turn away. There's no real point to digging his nails into his palm, but he does it anyway like that can somehow help the situation any. Drag him down to earth, keep him some semblance of calm so he can fix this.]
[But how?]
...Father got shot, straight through the chest. [Grit out- he doesn't want to remember it all. He doesn't want to think on it. Yet there's no way to run from your own memories, your own life.] Earl and that bleedin' butler- s'all my fault, never shoulda took 'em in.
[Father, shot. Did he deserve it? He did, didn't he? God knew what he did with the kids they brought him- and only God should know, far as Beast was concerned.
Except there was no God.]
What're ye even on about, take 'em in?
[It was almost a relief that he raised his voice to her, if only because it seemed more real- less like the controlled, cold way he could sound when chastising her, reminding her to think of Father, or what they owed him, or-
But she didn't understand, her own voice a bit too loud, a bit too high-pitched, the connection of "Ciel" and "Earl" and "Smile" not yet connected, "Earl's butler" and "Black" not yet connected.
The Yard- Smile and Black had worked for the Yard, that was all-
It was almost visible on her face, the way the puzzle pieces started to fit together. If Smile was Ciel Phantomhive, and his butler was Black... then that meant the reason they'd been able to find Father's mansion, how they knew who he was had been-]
That can' be right-
[The color drained out of her face slowly as the dots connected mentally, as she remembered the way Black's voice had sounded when he'd said "forget he who is cruel".
If Smile was Ciel Phantomhive, and his butler was Black... then that meant the reason Father was dead- no, she didn't care about that, the reason Joker might be dead was-
[With his back turned to her, Joker doesn't see the expression on her face. His gaze is stuck firmly on the floor, his own failures weighing down on him.]
[He hadn't thought things through. He should have listened to her when she'd gotten so aggravated at having the man in black join their troupe, should have seen something amiss. This is all his fault.]
She wanted to shout, raise her voice and rail against the circumstances that led them to this moment but all she could do was feel her knees (knee) tremble, setting her prosthetic joint to creaking softly. It couldn't be because if it were true-
If that was true-
Then because of her-]
'e's with the yard, yeah? That's all- 'e isn't involved with that Phantomhive earl-
[Please, please, if there was a God- if there was a a God it wouldn't be true.
In no world with a God could she have damned her family to death over one night of weakness.]
The creaking of her ceramic joint grew louder, no words came out as she began to tremble in earnest, in a sick combination of disgust, shame, and fear, the sound dying only when she sank to her knees, couldn't even be bothered or capable of making it the few steps to the side to his bed or a chair.
She just slowly folded where she stood as the truth of what that meant slowly filled her mind.
[The creaking is worrying, and he turns around just in time to see her crumple to the ground. Alarm raises high in his ears and he darts forward, arm scooping around her waist.]
[Beast didn't deserve an ounce of it. She knew that. If it was true, (and it was, wasn't it? No matter how she wanted to deny it, Joker saw it with his own eyes, Snake said it too-), then it was all her fault.
What about the rest? Snake had said she, too- but she had no memory of it. What about Dagger? Jumbo? Peter and Wendy?
What about Doll?
Beast let out a sob, shaking her head even as she put a hand over her mouth to try and keep anything else from escaping, her other hand put out as if to push him away-
Not because she didn't want comfort, or help. But because she didn't deserve it.]
[If it was fair, they'd all share the blame, wouldn't they. For letting it go on like they had? For falling for Black and Smile's acts? For not being strong enough? Joker, for inviting them to the circus. Doll, for catching the boy sneaking about and believing his lie. Beast herself, for being helpless against Black's advances.
Or for choosing to live like that in order to survive in the first place.
Beast shook her head again, felt the sting of hot tears on the back of her hand even as she sobbed brokenly through her fingers.]
It's my fault-
[But even if they all shared the blame... Joker would try to take responsibility. Beast would hate herself for what she'd done.]
Black, 'e-
[But the shame was too great to say it like she was afraid it had been- afraid it had been purely her weakness, that perhaps, really, she'd been that kind of woman all along-]
[For a second, he doesn't understand. How could it be her fault? But when she finally lets it slip- there's a small voice in the back of his mind that starts in realization that's what's been bothering her- but it's smothered immediately in the cold rage he feels. His hand gives a shake.]
I'll slit his throat when I see him here, I swear I will. [The hard glint in his eyes shows this isn't any idle threat, either. He's done worse things, God only knows, and he can dirty his hands for this.]
[But that isn't any sort of reassurance he realizes soon enough, and he takes in another sharp breath.]
He's... He ain't any sorta thing meant for our world. It ain't yer fault, Beast. It ain't.
She'd known the second she woke up what she'd done- and how wrong it had been. A deep ball of shame and wrong and anger that had lurched down in her the moment she opened her eyes to find Black, and her secrets, gone.
He'd used her. It was so clear in the aftermath, and yet every moment leading up to it was only a blur. Joker leaving, crying, Black arriving, his arms around her, too tight to get away from, and his words crawling in to her ears.
She'd kill him.
Even before she'd known exactly how she'd damned them all.]
It is-
[She grips his hand too hard, but she doesn't- can't notice, the shame and desire to confess she'd been holding in since arriving spilling free, unable to contain it.
She didn't know what he meant- "not meant for our world".]
Ye left an' I jus' wanted-
[An ounce of comfort.
Black had been right. She'd wanted to forget that Joker didn't love her back.]
[The pain in his hand is hardly noticeable. She could take his whole other arm right then and there, and he wouldn't mind. He already gave so much for his family as it was- what was one more thing anyway?]
[He just tries to lean in close, face resting against her hair.]
It's never yer fault, Beast, ain't nothin' ta apologize for, not for me.
[She should pull away. It was too painful, to have this comfort from him only now, and not when she'd wanted it. To have him say it wasn't her fault when she knew it in her heart it must be.
It was the only way to punish herself for what she'd done. So she should-]
It in't alright if yer dead-
[But instead she's rocking over his hand, clutching it to her breast, terribly conscious that it was the only one he had, (why, had it not come along?), that because of her-]
[His tone shifts to something almost lulling, like he can calm her down with a sweet tone alone. He tries to smile a well, but it's not his best effort.]
Here, we're alright, ain't we? Here we'll be fine, and the others'll show up no doubt.
[Even his best effort wouldn't be enough. How could it be? Maybe he'd had time to learn to accept it, but Beast hadn't. The shock was still too fresh, the guilt too new and heavy.
[He tightened his grip on her hand, swiping his thumb across her knuckles. Of this, he was determined to do. Nothing could be fixed- it's all out of his reach now. But maybe he can do something else, maybe he can make something here for all of them.]
[Just a bit of patience and a bit of luck. That's all he's praying for.]
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[But not even he can hide the quiet desperation lacing behind his stern words.]
Beast. I'm here. Y'can feel me, can't ya? I'm livin' and breathin', and ya can feel my heart beat! I'm alive, and so are you!
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[She did, didn't she? She could see him, and feel him, and hear him- but then why? Snake wouldn't lie. She didn't even think Snake could lie, not really. And then that "Reaper"-
Beast didn't know what made sense anymore, didn't know what to believe. What her eyes told her or what someone she trusted did.
Or what Joker said.
But Beast shakes her head, hair whipping back and forth as she made to push him back, but instead only clutched the front of his shirt.]
That's why I don'-
[Squeezed her eyes shut, no longer keeping her voice down without realizing it.]
It feels like I'm goin' crazy-
[She'd been feeling like that since day one. But now?]
If we're alive then what did 'e mean?
["He" being... well. Could be either of them. Snake, or Ronald.]
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...There's nothin' left for us back home. I don't know what this place is, but... it ain't heaven or hell or anythin' else that's been written.
It's a second chance, and that's all I've got figured out.
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[Now she shoved him, pushed him back angrily even as tears sprung up as hot, shameful pinpricks in the corner of her eyes.]
Yer dead but ye in't? Is Father dead? Did that Phantomhive earl do 'im in?
[She didn't care- if Father died... she realized now she didn't care. Reservations about the fate of their younger "siblings" at the workhouse kept her in line until she'd finally asked Joker to leave it all behind, but-
If Father was dead-
How did the Earl know, anyway? In her mind, Smile and Ciel Phantomhive were not yet one and the same.]
Tell me, Joker!
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[It's louder than he means to make it, and he immediately flinches before taking a step back so he can turn away. There's no real point to digging his nails into his palm, but he does it anyway like that can somehow help the situation any. Drag him down to earth, keep him some semblance of calm so he can fix this.]
[But how?]
...Father got shot, straight through the chest. [Grit out- he doesn't want to remember it all. He doesn't want to think on it. Yet there's no way to run from your own memories, your own life.] Earl and that bleedin' butler- s'all my fault, never shoulda took 'em in.
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Except there was no God.]
What're ye even on about, take 'em in?
[It was almost a relief that he raised his voice to her, if only because it seemed more real- less like the controlled, cold way he could sound when chastising her, reminding her to think of Father, or what they owed him, or-
But she didn't understand, her own voice a bit too loud, a bit too high-pitched, the connection of "Ciel" and "Earl" and "Smile" not yet connected, "Earl's butler" and "Black" not yet connected.
The Yard- Smile and Black had worked for the Yard, that was all-
That was all-]
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...Phantomhive was right under our noses, and I was a blasted fool not ta notice anythin' amiss.
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[It couldn't be. That weak looking pint of a brat Doll had taken under wing?]
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[No.
It was almost visible on her face, the way the puzzle pieces started to fit together. If Smile was Ciel Phantomhive, and his butler was Black... then that meant the reason they'd been able to find Father's mansion, how they knew who he was had been-]
That can' be right-
[The color drained out of her face slowly as the dots connected mentally, as she remembered the way Black's voice had sounded when he'd said "forget he who is cruel".
If Smile was Ciel Phantomhive, and his butler was Black... then that meant the reason Father was dead- no, she didn't care about that, the reason Joker might be dead was-
Her.]
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[He hadn't thought things through. He should have listened to her when she'd gotten so aggravated at having the man in black join their troupe, should have seen something amiss. This is all his fault.]
I'm sorry...
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[She felt sick.
She wanted to shout, raise her voice and rail against the circumstances that led them to this moment but all she could do was feel her knees (knee) tremble, setting her prosthetic joint to creaking softly. It couldn't be because if it were true-
If that was true-
Then because of her-]
'e's with the yard, yeah? That's all- 'e isn't involved with that Phantomhive earl-
[Please, please, if there was a God- if there was a a God it wouldn't be true.
In no world with a God could she have damned her family to death over one night of weakness.]
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He was Phantomhive's.
[That night's something he won't forget, not anytime soon as much as he wishes he could.]
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Black was his butler.
They'd gone to Father's mansion.
Father and Joker were dead.
[She'd told Black who Father was.
The creaking of her ceramic joint grew louder, no words came out as she began to tremble in earnest, in a sick combination of disgust, shame, and fear, the sound dying only when she sank to her knees, couldn't even be bothered or capable of making it the few steps to the side to his bed or a chair.
She just slowly folded where she stood as the truth of what that meant slowly filled her mind.
She killed Joker.]
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Beast!
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What about the rest? Snake had said she, too- but she had no memory of it. What about Dagger? Jumbo? Peter and Wendy?
What about Doll?
Beast let out a sob, shaking her head even as she put a hand over her mouth to try and keep anything else from escaping, her other hand put out as if to push him away-
Not because she didn't want comfort, or help. But because she didn't deserve it.]
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[He can't read her mind, can't know what happened while he was gone, and his mind reaches the only conclusion it knows.]
...If ya hate me- I know ya never wanted 'em in the troupe, shoulda listened... If ya hate me, that's... that's fine.
[Because it's all his fault. The responsibility always came back to him because he was the one who ran the Circus in Father's stead.]
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Or for choosing to live like that in order to survive in the first place.
Beast shook her head again, felt the sting of hot tears on the back of her hand even as she sobbed brokenly through her fingers.]
It's my fault-
[But even if they all shared the blame... Joker would try to take responsibility. Beast would hate herself for what she'd done.]
Black, 'e-
[But the shame was too great to say it like she was afraid it had been- afraid it had been purely her weakness, that perhaps, really, she'd been that kind of woman all along-]
'e made me tell 'im who Father was-
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I'll slit his throat when I see him here, I swear I will. [The hard glint in his eyes shows this isn't any idle threat, either. He's done worse things, God only knows, and he can dirty his hands for this.]
[But that isn't any sort of reassurance he realizes soon enough, and he takes in another sharp breath.]
He's... He ain't any sorta thing meant for our world. It ain't yer fault, Beast. It ain't.
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She'd known the second she woke up what she'd done- and how wrong it had been. A deep ball of shame and wrong and anger that had lurched down in her the moment she opened her eyes to find Black, and her secrets, gone.
He'd used her. It was so clear in the aftermath, and yet every moment leading up to it was only a blur. Joker leaving, crying, Black arriving, his arms around her, too tight to get away from, and his words crawling in to her ears.
She'd kill him.
Even before she'd known exactly how she'd damned them all.]
It is-
[She grips his hand too hard, but she doesn't- can't notice, the shame and desire to confess she'd been holding in since arriving spilling free, unable to contain it.
She didn't know what he meant- "not meant for our world".]
Ye left an' I jus' wanted-
[An ounce of comfort.
Black had been right. She'd wanted to forget that Joker didn't love her back.]
I'm sorry-
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[The pain in his hand is hardly noticeable. She could take his whole other arm right then and there, and he wouldn't mind. He already gave so much for his family as it was- what was one more thing anyway?]
[He just tries to lean in close, face resting against her hair.]
It's never yer fault, Beast, ain't nothin' ta apologize for, not for me.
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[She should pull away. It was too painful, to have this comfort from him only now, and not when she'd wanted it. To have him say it wasn't her fault when she knew it in her heart it must be.
It was the only way to punish herself for what she'd done. So she should-]
It in't alright if yer dead-
[But instead she's rocking over his hand, clutching it to her breast, terribly conscious that it was the only one he had, (why, had it not come along?), that because of her-]
It'll never be alrigh'-
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[His tone shifts to something almost lulling, like he can calm her down with a sweet tone alone. He tries to smile a well, but it's not his best effort.]
Here, we're alright, ain't we? Here we'll be fine, and the others'll show up no doubt.
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So she only shook her head again.]
It isn't alright.
[How could it be?]
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[He tightened his grip on her hand, swiping his thumb across her knuckles. Of this, he was determined to do. Nothing could be fixed- it's all out of his reach now. But maybe he can do something else, maybe he can make something here for all of them.]
[Just a bit of patience and a bit of luck. That's all he's praying for.]
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