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No, that-
[No.
It was almost visible on her face, the way the puzzle pieces started to fit together. If Smile was Ciel Phantomhive, and his butler was Black... then that meant the reason they'd been able to find Father's mansion, how they knew who he was had been-]
That can' be right-
[The color drained out of her face slowly as the dots connected mentally, as she remembered the way Black's voice had sounded when he'd said "forget he who is cruel".
If Smile was Ciel Phantomhive, and his butler was Black... then that meant the reason Father was dead- no, she didn't care about that, the reason Joker might be dead was-
Her.]
[No.
It was almost visible on her face, the way the puzzle pieces started to fit together. If Smile was Ciel Phantomhive, and his butler was Black... then that meant the reason they'd been able to find Father's mansion, how they knew who he was had been-]
That can' be right-
[The color drained out of her face slowly as the dots connected mentally, as she remembered the way Black's voice had sounded when he'd said "forget he who is cruel".
If Smile was Ciel Phantomhive, and his butler was Black... then that meant the reason Father was dead- no, she didn't care about that, the reason Joker might be dead was-
Her.]
[With his back turned to her, Joker doesn't see the expression on her face. His gaze is stuck firmly on the floor, his own failures weighing down on him.]
[He hadn't thought things through. He should have listened to her when she'd gotten so aggravated at having the man in black join their troupe, should have seen something amiss. This is all his fault.]
I'm sorry...
[He hadn't thought things through. He should have listened to her when she'd gotten so aggravated at having the man in black join their troupe, should have seen something amiss. This is all his fault.]
I'm sorry...
No, Joker... Black, 'e-
[She felt sick.
She wanted to shout, raise her voice and rail against the circumstances that led them to this moment but all she could do was feel her knees (knee) tremble, setting her prosthetic joint to creaking softly. It couldn't be because if it were true-
If that was true-
Then because of her-]
'e's with the yard, yeah? That's all- 'e isn't involved with that Phantomhive earl-
[Please, please, if there was a God- if there was a a God it wouldn't be true.
In no world with a God could she have damned her family to death over one night of weakness.]
[She felt sick.
She wanted to shout, raise her voice and rail against the circumstances that led them to this moment but all she could do was feel her knees (knee) tremble, setting her prosthetic joint to creaking softly. It couldn't be because if it were true-
If that was true-
Then because of her-]
'e's with the yard, yeah? That's all- 'e isn't involved with that Phantomhive earl-
[Please, please, if there was a God- if there was a a God it wouldn't be true.
In no world with a God could she have damned her family to death over one night of weakness.]
I saw 'im with my own eyes, Beast.
He was Phantomhive's.
[That night's something he won't forget, not anytime soon as much as he wishes he could.]
He was Phantomhive's.
[That night's something he won't forget, not anytime soon as much as he wishes he could.]
[Ciel Phantomhive was Smile.
Black was his butler.
They'd gone to Father's mansion.
Father and Joker were dead.
[She'd told Black who Father was.
The creaking of her ceramic joint grew louder, no words came out as she began to tremble in earnest, in a sick combination of disgust, shame, and fear, the sound dying only when she sank to her knees, couldn't even be bothered or capable of making it the few steps to the side to his bed or a chair.
She just slowly folded where she stood as the truth of what that meant slowly filled her mind.
She killed Joker.]
Black was his butler.
They'd gone to Father's mansion.
Father and Joker were dead.
[She'd told Black who Father was.
The creaking of her ceramic joint grew louder, no words came out as she began to tremble in earnest, in a sick combination of disgust, shame, and fear, the sound dying only when she sank to her knees, couldn't even be bothered or capable of making it the few steps to the side to his bed or a chair.
She just slowly folded where she stood as the truth of what that meant slowly filled her mind.
She killed Joker.]
[The creaking is worrying, and he turns around just in time to see her crumple to the ground. Alarm raises high in his ears and he darts forward, arm scooping around her waist.]
Beast!
Beast!
[Beast didn't deserve an ounce of it. She knew that. If it was true, (and it was, wasn't it? No matter how she wanted to deny it, Joker saw it with his own eyes, Snake said it too-), then it was all her fault.
What about the rest? Snake had said she, too- but she had no memory of it. What about Dagger? Jumbo? Peter and Wendy?
What about Doll?
Beast let out a sob, shaking her head even as she put a hand over her mouth to try and keep anything else from escaping, her other hand put out as if to push him away-
Not because she didn't want comfort, or help. But because she didn't deserve it.]
What about the rest? Snake had said she, too- but she had no memory of it. What about Dagger? Jumbo? Peter and Wendy?
What about Doll?
Beast let out a sob, shaking her head even as she put a hand over her mouth to try and keep anything else from escaping, her other hand put out as if to push him away-
Not because she didn't want comfort, or help. But because she didn't deserve it.]
[He doesn't leave- not right then anyway, just catching that outstretched hand in his own.]
[He can't read her mind, can't know what happened while he was gone, and his mind reaches the only conclusion it knows.]
...If ya hate me- I know ya never wanted 'em in the troupe, shoulda listened... If ya hate me, that's... that's fine.
[Because it's all his fault. The responsibility always came back to him because he was the one who ran the Circus in Father's stead.]
[He can't read her mind, can't know what happened while he was gone, and his mind reaches the only conclusion it knows.]
...If ya hate me- I know ya never wanted 'em in the troupe, shoulda listened... If ya hate me, that's... that's fine.
[Because it's all his fault. The responsibility always came back to him because he was the one who ran the Circus in Father's stead.]
[If it was fair, they'd all share the blame, wouldn't they. For letting it go on like they had? For falling for Black and Smile's acts? For not being strong enough? Joker, for inviting them to the circus. Doll, for catching the boy sneaking about and believing his lie. Beast herself, for being helpless against Black's advances.
Or for choosing to live like that in order to survive in the first place.
Beast shook her head again, felt the sting of hot tears on the back of her hand even as she sobbed brokenly through her fingers.]
It's my fault-
[But even if they all shared the blame... Joker would try to take responsibility. Beast would hate herself for what she'd done.]
Black, 'e-
[But the shame was too great to say it like she was afraid it had been- afraid it had been purely her weakness, that perhaps, really, she'd been that kind of woman all along-]
'e made me tell 'im who Father was-
Or for choosing to live like that in order to survive in the first place.
Beast shook her head again, felt the sting of hot tears on the back of her hand even as she sobbed brokenly through her fingers.]
It's my fault-
[But even if they all shared the blame... Joker would try to take responsibility. Beast would hate herself for what she'd done.]
Black, 'e-
[But the shame was too great to say it like she was afraid it had been- afraid it had been purely her weakness, that perhaps, really, she'd been that kind of woman all along-]
'e made me tell 'im who Father was-
[For a second, he doesn't understand. How could it be her fault? But when she finally lets it slip- there's a small voice in the back of his mind that starts in realization that's what's been bothering her- but it's smothered immediately in the cold rage he feels. His hand gives a shake.]
I'll slit his throat when I see him here, I swear I will. [The hard glint in his eyes shows this isn't any idle threat, either. He's done worse things, God only knows, and he can dirty his hands for this.]
[But that isn't any sort of reassurance he realizes soon enough, and he takes in another sharp breath.]
He's... He ain't any sorta thing meant for our world. It ain't yer fault, Beast. It ain't.
I'll slit his throat when I see him here, I swear I will. [The hard glint in his eyes shows this isn't any idle threat, either. He's done worse things, God only knows, and he can dirty his hands for this.]
[But that isn't any sort of reassurance he realizes soon enough, and he takes in another sharp breath.]
He's... He ain't any sorta thing meant for our world. It ain't yer fault, Beast. It ain't.
[Not if she did it first.
She'd known the second she woke up what she'd done- and how wrong it had been. A deep ball of shame and wrong and anger that had lurched down in her the moment she opened her eyes to find Black, and her secrets, gone.
He'd used her. It was so clear in the aftermath, and yet every moment leading up to it was only a blur. Joker leaving, crying, Black arriving, his arms around her, too tight to get away from, and his words crawling in to her ears.
She'd kill him.
Even before she'd known exactly how she'd damned them all.]
It is-
[She grips his hand too hard, but she doesn't- can't notice, the shame and desire to confess she'd been holding in since arriving spilling free, unable to contain it.
She didn't know what he meant- "not meant for our world".]
Ye left an' I jus' wanted-
[An ounce of comfort.
Black had been right. She'd wanted to forget that Joker didn't love her back.]
I'm sorry-
She'd known the second she woke up what she'd done- and how wrong it had been. A deep ball of shame and wrong and anger that had lurched down in her the moment she opened her eyes to find Black, and her secrets, gone.
He'd used her. It was so clear in the aftermath, and yet every moment leading up to it was only a blur. Joker leaving, crying, Black arriving, his arms around her, too tight to get away from, and his words crawling in to her ears.
She'd kill him.
Even before she'd known exactly how she'd damned them all.]
It is-
[She grips his hand too hard, but she doesn't- can't notice, the shame and desire to confess she'd been holding in since arriving spilling free, unable to contain it.
She didn't know what he meant- "not meant for our world".]
Ye left an' I jus' wanted-
[An ounce of comfort.
Black had been right. She'd wanted to forget that Joker didn't love her back.]
I'm sorry-
S'alright, s'alright-
[The pain in his hand is hardly noticeable. She could take his whole other arm right then and there, and he wouldn't mind. He already gave so much for his family as it was- what was one more thing anyway?]
[He just tries to lean in close, face resting against her hair.]
It's never yer fault, Beast, ain't nothin' ta apologize for, not for me.
[The pain in his hand is hardly noticeable. She could take his whole other arm right then and there, and he wouldn't mind. He already gave so much for his family as it was- what was one more thing anyway?]
[He just tries to lean in close, face resting against her hair.]
It's never yer fault, Beast, ain't nothin' ta apologize for, not for me.
'ow can ye say that?
[She should pull away. It was too painful, to have this comfort from him only now, and not when she'd wanted it. To have him say it wasn't her fault when she knew it in her heart it must be.
It was the only way to punish herself for what she'd done. So she should-]
It in't alright if yer dead-
[But instead she's rocking over his hand, clutching it to her breast, terribly conscious that it was the only one he had, (why, had it not come along?), that because of her-]
It'll never be alrigh'-
[She should pull away. It was too painful, to have this comfort from him only now, and not when she'd wanted it. To have him say it wasn't her fault when she knew it in her heart it must be.
It was the only way to punish herself for what she'd done. So she should-]
It in't alright if yer dead-
[But instead she's rocking over his hand, clutching it to her breast, terribly conscious that it was the only one he had, (why, had it not come along?), that because of her-]
It'll never be alrigh'-
Hey now, hey now, hush, hush.
[His tone shifts to something almost lulling, like he can calm her down with a sweet tone alone. He tries to smile a well, but it's not his best effort.]
Here, we're alright, ain't we? Here we'll be fine, and the others'll show up no doubt.
[His tone shifts to something almost lulling, like he can calm her down with a sweet tone alone. He tries to smile a well, but it's not his best effort.]
Here, we're alright, ain't we? Here we'll be fine, and the others'll show up no doubt.
[Even his best effort wouldn't be enough. How could it be? Maybe he'd had time to learn to accept it, but Beast hadn't. The shock was still too fresh, the guilt too new and heavy.
So she only shook her head again.]
It isn't alright.
[How could it be?]
So she only shook her head again.]
It isn't alright.
[How could it be?]
Then we'll make it alright.
[He tightened his grip on her hand, swiping his thumb across her knuckles. Of this, he was determined to do. Nothing could be fixed- it's all out of his reach now. But maybe he can do something else, maybe he can make something here for all of them.]
[Just a bit of patience and a bit of luck. That's all he's praying for.]
[He tightened his grip on her hand, swiping his thumb across her knuckles. Of this, he was determined to do. Nothing could be fixed- it's all out of his reach now. But maybe he can do something else, maybe he can make something here for all of them.]
[Just a bit of patience and a bit of luck. That's all he's praying for.]
[That, finally, made her lift her head, uncaring about tears or how wretched her expression might look. Spending almost your entire life with another person, in the dirt and the bilge filth of the streets...
You stopped caring about that kind of thing.]
'ow?
You stopped caring about that kind of thing.]
'ow?
We can make a home for ourselves here.
[She still has his hand, so he can't wipe away her tears, so all he does is bump their heads together lightly.]
It's a queer place, won't lie about that, but there's food and a roof over our heads and a livin', so we can manage. The others'll show up eventually too, ain't any doubt about that. We'll do fine, we'll manage. We've managed in worse, yeah?
[She still has his hand, so he can't wipe away her tears, so all he does is bump their heads together lightly.]
It's a queer place, won't lie about that, but there's food and a roof over our heads and a livin', so we can manage. The others'll show up eventually too, ain't any doubt about that. We'll do fine, we'll manage. We've managed in worse, yeah?
[She wanted to believe it.
Perhaps it was selfish to want to believe so badly. If she could believe that it would assuage the ball of shame and guilt deep in her gut, if only slightly. It would give her hope when she felt as of she had absolutely none. Part of her thought she deserved to suffer in hopelessness for what she's done. But the other part wanted to believe.
She released his hand.
But only because she carefully, hesitantly, shamefully put hers around him instead, buried her face in his shoulder and squeezed.
Beast wanted to believe, but part of her couldn't. Not yet, perhaps.
But she nodded against his shoulder to try and force herself to.]
Perhaps it was selfish to want to believe so badly. If she could believe that it would assuage the ball of shame and guilt deep in her gut, if only slightly. It would give her hope when she felt as of she had absolutely none. Part of her thought she deserved to suffer in hopelessness for what she's done. But the other part wanted to believe.
She released his hand.
But only because she carefully, hesitantly, shamefully put hers around him instead, buried her face in his shoulder and squeezed.
Beast wanted to believe, but part of her couldn't. Not yet, perhaps.
But she nodded against his shoulder to try and force herself to.]
[He let's her in, holding her as tight as he can and taking a deep breath.]
[It's a lot to believe. He knows. So it's up to him- always up to him- to keep on leading and hoping the others follow. Snake already is, and he hopes Beast stays with him too.]
[In time, God willing, all the work will pay off. This Circus has its name for a reason.]
...Want ta stay in my tent for the night? Ya can take the bed with Angel, if ya don't mind 'er company.
[It's a lot to believe. He knows. So it's up to him- always up to him- to keep on leading and hoping the others follow. Snake already is, and he hopes Beast stays with him too.]
[In time, God willing, all the work will pay off. This Circus has its name for a reason.]
...Want ta stay in my tent for the night? Ya can take the bed with Angel, if ya don't mind 'er company.
[She stiffened a bit within the hold of his arm, around him where she held him, at his offer.
She wanted to.
Of course she wanted to.
It was painfully obvious that she wanted to.
But it dredged up memories she'd drag out of her head and lock away if she only could. Of the last night she could remember before she woke up in this strange place.]
Joker, ye know I-
[She started to whisper it in to his shoulder, but anticipating being cut off... actually ended up cutting herself off instead, choking it down in a sudden wave of self-disgust.]
She wanted to.
Of course she wanted to.
It was painfully obvious that she wanted to.
But it dredged up memories she'd drag out of her head and lock away if she only could. Of the last night she could remember before she woke up in this strange place.]
Joker, ye know I-
[She started to whisper it in to his shoulder, but anticipating being cut off... actually ended up cutting herself off instead, choking it down in a sudden wave of self-disgust.]
S'just like when we were kids.
[Just that. He tells himself it so much, so firmly, he can believe it for truth.]
[Just that. He tells himself it so much, so firmly, he can believe it for truth.]
[There's a very long, too long pause. Before she nods.]
... Like we were kids. Yeah.
[As if they could ever go back to that. As much as those years in the workhouse seemed like a paradise compared to how messed up things seemed now.]
... Like we were kids. Yeah.
[As if they could ever go back to that. As much as those years in the workhouse seemed like a paradise compared to how messed up things seemed now.]
[It'll never happen, he knows. He's seen a lot of impossible things in this place, but that sort of thing happening for them... No, he can't quite get himself to believe that.]
[For now, he just tries to wrap his arm around Beast and help her up, get her to the bed.]
Up we go now...
[For now, he just tries to wrap his arm around Beast and help her up, get her to the bed.]
Up we go now...
[She can't do anything else but go along with it, managing to get her feet up under her.]
I can do it.
[Muttered, even though she was obviously benefiting from the help.]
I can do it.
[Muttered, even though she was obviously benefiting from the help.]
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